December 7, 2010

A Fine Kettle Of Fish

I came home early, late one night, excitedly I ran
I snuck inside to be with her, but found another man
I pulled my gun and pointed it; he didn’t say a word
She screamed at me, I yelled right back and this is what they heard:

It’s a fine kettle of fish you’re in
The water’s to the brim
A fine kettle of fish you’re in
I hope that you can swim

She cried and claimed she loved me so, that this was just a fling
She said that he meant nothing, that he didn’t mean a thing
I laughed and said she was a fool to think I’d buy that line
That he meant nothing to her and that made it all fine

It’s a fine kettle of fish you’re in
The water’s getting hot
A fine kettle of fish you’re in
You’re boiling in my pot

Then she started screaming that she’d really had enough
She called me lots of vile names and said I’m not so tough
She said that any real man would never use a gun
The guy just looked worried; it seemed like he would run

It’s a fine kettle of fish you’re in
The water’s on the boil
A fine kettle of fish you’re in
You shoulda been more loyal

I threw the gun aside with pride and said I’d use my hands
But she got brave and tried to make ridiculous demands
The guy thought he’d try something slick, thinking I’d been goaded
He made a quick jump for the gun; I laughed - it wasn’t loaded

It’s a fine kettle of fish you’re in
The water’s overflowing
A fine kettle of fish you’re in
To Hell is where you’re going

I struck the guy upon his head just as he was retreating
She just sat there, terrified, her heart intensely beating
I turned to her; she tried to scream as I throttled her throat
I choked the life right outta her and that was all she wrote

It’s a fine kettle of fish you’re in
The water’s left the pot
A fine kettle of fish you’re in
And now you’ve had your lot

I sat right down and called the cops and told what happened there
They slapped the cuffs upon my wrists and said I’d get the chair
They didn’t buy my sad excuse and were unmoved by my woe
So now, I’m counting down the days in my cage on death row

It’s a fine kettle of fish I’m in
The water’s to the brim
A fine kettle of fish I’m in
I know that I can’t swim

(You may also enjoy this live performance of this work by Richard North on his blog, "The Arts Web Show")


  1. Before I read this, I just wanna say: I'm gonna put FOUR cents in, not two. hahah!

  2. Ya know, I must say, I really fucking loved this poem. It made me chuckle, & it made me *GASP*!

  3. yep a fine kettle of fish you are in :) Wonderful poem!

  4. Where is the music to this song, Eric? Very nice.

  5. why am i envisioning this becoming a pub-song? :)

    brilliant story-telling, Eric....

  6. Ah,the infernal triangle....I doubt your vengeful husband would get the chair though in these days of the plea bargain..which reminds me of that line from a female prisoner, "If I'd killed him when I met him I'd be out of prison now."

  7. Dude, please enter this in Kseverny's contest. It's still open. Great work, Bubba.

  8. Keep the penny man.. I gotta go now.. see ya

  9. I hope you can swim....but things are going to be a little fishy for a while! You are not only talented with words you are completely hilarious Eric!!! :-)

  10. This wonderful, Eric. I'm smiling and tapping my foot. I hear it as a C+W song. All you need is a cowboy hat, a guitar, a loyal hound and a pick-up truck to lean on.

  11. for such a bleak moment...this is actually rather humorous and really well done eric...lyrical...

  12. Wow! You've really given a great version of the old love triangle! I really loved this!

  13. a fine kettle indeed! oi!! I love the flow of this Eric. Hope you learn to swim fast.

  14. WOW!!!Now that's some story!POOR GUY!

    I love the repetition.Was like a chant!

    Well,the guy don't feel too much pain when he sits on the chair!

    Unique as ever,Eric!

  15. A vision of a harsh reality. Very well written with an easy flow.


  16. Blind rage, while i understand it, i can't say i condone it. You captured it so well here with a healthy dose of remorse and consequence.

  17. This is an interesting read. Had to read it twice. Nice one shot. Love and Light, Sender

  18. A seemingly serious episode with a lot of humour behind it. Brilliant Eric!

  19. Anthony - thanks for your FOUR cents!
    (You always give more than expected)

    Neva - I've often wondered where 'fine kettle of fish' comes from - it's such an odd expression.

    Monkey Man - I could write a little tune for it I suppose. Will you sing it?

    Mel - you and Monkey Man must be muscially inclined. I suppose the repeating part seems musical.

    Hedgewitch - I think they should have an electric recliner, or perhaps a sofa.

    Gabriela - Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

    Adam - Thanks for the tip... I'll check into it!

    Booguloo - Thanks for stopping by!

    Carrie - I can dog-paddle and I don't mind swimming with the fishes. (But sleeping with them is another matter!)

    Patti - C&W might just be the way to go with this one, musically. (Where's my guitar?)

    Brian - Thanks! I wanted it to have some humor, but not be totally farcical.

    Teresa - Glad you liked it! I've seen these scenes in movies often enough that it wasn't too hard to imagine.

    kkrige - It's not too hard to swim in a kettle... but it's awfully warm!

    June_Butterfly - I'm sure the sitting is hardly the worst part. (The anticipation must be brutal!) Thank you for the compliments!

    Anita - Yes, in reality it would be a bad situation. I tried to soften it a bit with the sing-song repetition and a touch of humor.

    Belinda - There's no way to condone such acts, but I'm sure plenty of us can understand the emotion behind them.

    My thanks to everybody for your kinds words. This was the most comments I've ever received on a piece, and I must say that it was very rewarding reading them all. :)

  20. You made my day with this poem or shall I say song?!

    destined wanderings

  21. This is a song! I'd love to hear it to music!

  22. This was an enjoyable read and sounded melodic. I enjoyed every bit of it. Well done!


  23. This reminds me so much of that Marty Robbins song about the shooting in Rosa's Cantina-- you might try to get the name of a Nashville Agent and see what happens-- way cool! xxj

  24. Regarding the musical quality, I've dropped a note to a musically-inclined blogger friend, asking if she would give this a look and consider writing a tune for it. (Stay tuned)

  25. oh my - you certainly kept your humour...smiles

  26. You're so talented and funny. I loved this. Really, more people should be exposed to it. Hope you get it published.

  27. I almost felt compelled to sing it all the way to the end... sometimes gasping, sometimes chuckling, and wondering what was going to happen next. A great ride that was! I enjoyed it very much.

  28. Great work Eric
    I would say in your best category

    Wowza - I'm staying away from kettles and fish
    hope you do submit to Richards competition - right up his alley

    Thanks for the One Shot

    Moonie Smiles

  29. This is great fun to read, n bet it would make an awesome progressive bluegrass folky tune! I can almost hear the quick-tempo finger-picking!

    A guy named Tom Lear (Norman's Bro) used to do tunes like this. I play one of his named "Ricketty Ticketty Tin"

  30. oh sad fish :( in teh kettle

  31. A nursery rhyme - for adults. (I hope.) Nice one, Eric. That "fine kettle of fish you're in" is sticking in my head.

  32. hahaha.. as bad as I feel for the "bereaved" cheated and now husband, I just couldn't stop laughing!
    Quite a bunch of insensitive cops, eh!
    Good God.. I am still laughing!

    Friggin' awesome, Eric!! LOL! I really wonder what tricks he's gonna play in prison, while waiting for THE day! :D

  33. Eric,
    I agree with the others about this being very melodic in its rhythms and I was reading and enjoying it immensely, I kept thinking about that song by the Dixie Chics, Earl's Gotta Die :) Great job!

  34. Great poem, Eric. Drama, drama... well-wrought piece

    Warmest Salad

    Luke @ WordSalad

  35. Great piece Eric, enjoyed this.


    Luke @ WordSalad

  36. That held me right to the end...I hear mountain music a comin'!

  37. Hi Eric!

    Finally having the priviledge of reading this song.

    I LOVE it and that ending is killer! Oh, sheesh -- I did NOT intend that pun.

    You have a real talent, run with it and make it soar.

    My only suggestion, for a song, is to double up the verses, then hit us with that chorus!!

    AWESOME, my friend!

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!! It's been a real treat getting to know you and your fun-nutty ways.



You may put in your 2¢ worth, but I'll only pay you a penny for your thoughts.